Turchino Rain

My Poppa, that is, my maternal grandfather, died yesterday morning

It's easier than when my dad died earlier this year because it wasn't sudden, we knew this was coming; the man has had been on palliative end-of-life care for the last two months. But just because I knew it was coming doesn't mean it doesn't suck, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Poppa was big part of my life, especially when I was growing up. My mom had me pretty young and he helped out a lot. I spent a lot of weekends with him, and we even lived with him when I was a newborn til I was 2, and then again when I was 8 and 9. When I moved back here a few years ago, it wasn't uncommon for him to call me, asking me to help him with his tablet, and I'd go over and spend time with him a couple times a week. Even when he was forgetting people and mixing them up, he still knew me enough to ask for me. So. We were close.

And I keep wanting to call my dad and tell him, to cry to him, because my dad always knew what to say to make it better, but then I remember all over again that he is also dead, gone since March, and -

I am so tired.

Losing one was hard, but to lose both of them in the same year???

Yeah.

I like to think that if it had just been my dad who died this year, or just Poppa, I might be handling it... not better necessarily, and it wouldn't be easier, but I would feel less overwhelmed by everything. When dad died, I went into shock. There was so much I had to do that I went numb just so I could function and get stuff done. That wore off a couple of months later, just in time for Poppa to go into hospital, and now it feels like I'm getting walloped. Everything with Poppa is bringing forward all the things I couldn't feel about my dad at the time. It's a double helping of grief.

I was already neck deep in grief and the grieving process, but now it feels like I'm drowning.

I do have a support system, before anyone worries. My mom's... friend is staying with us and my godmother is coming over today and/or tomorrow.

I've also already asked X, my partner, if he can drive up and stay for a bit. I didn't ask him when my dad passed, because he had literally just been up here to visit like two weeks before and I was so numb it didn't occur to me that was something I could ask until later, but this time I did. My anxiety brain tried to convince me asking him was selfish, but he is my partner and one of my oldest friends (we've only been dating for a year and a bit, but we've been friends since we were 14). On top of that, this is my second round of bereavement in 8 months. It's normal I'd want him here.

Anyway, he'll be here Friday. I love him so much.

I crashed out over my dad the other night. Honestly, I'm self-aware enough to have expected this to happen months ago. Not right away, I was definitely in shock for a while after I got the news (which is pretty normal, I think), but my dad and I had been really close when I was growing up and once upon a time he was my favourite person in the whole wide world, so I kinda figured that once everything was settled - we had the wake, he was in an urn, the urn was in our hutch in the living room, etc. - and I had the time to properly process that he was gone, I would lose it then. April by the latest, I thought, is when it would hit.

But that didn't happen.

It didn't happen on Father's Day either. 

Nothing happened until around midnight yesterday while I was getting ready for bed. I was in the kitchen for ...something? Water, maybe? And the next thing I knew I was trying to hold back tears as I stumbled out of the room. I made it as far as the dining room table before I broke.

The two hours after that were... Well. It's grief, it's not supposed to be pretty anyway. So.

Eventually, I managed to have some water and then finished getting ready for bed.

I felt...not better, not really, but also kind of yes? I was cried out and exhausted and raw. Falling asleep was nice. When I woke up I felt more refreshed than I had in ages, so that was also nice. For a measure of nice, given why I had spent so long crying (and before anyone says anything, I already know about how crying affects the brain, so I know why I felt refreshed).

Now that I've gotten past that barrier though, I'm sure there will be more crying fits in the future.

Which.

Look, I've always been a crybaby, but I'm just going to have to accept that I'm going to be more of one for a while.